Tuesday, September 27, 2005

From time to time I will have particularly vivid moments of clarity where I feel as though my field of vision quickly shifts like a camera zooming out from up above. Whereas before I could only see a few feet in front of me, I suddenly see the entire landscape; the before and after, the why and the because. When this happens, I am left reeling for a few moments from the force of being jerked so high so quickly with my stomach left on the ground behind me. But once the dizziness subsides, the excitement sets in.
I was asked once if, when I become a physician, would I treat a hardened criminal. It struck me as an absurd question. A life, as a unit, in my mind is completely detached from the deeds contained within. Besides, until interrupted, a life has unknown potential and value cannot be placed on it by examining only certain portions of it. That’s like having a handful of change and calling it 20 cents just because you had no patience to count all the coins. If you did, you’d realize you had a dollar. We come into this world literally gasping for breath and fighting to stay alive and spend the rest of it trying to stay on the right side of existing. Every species of life has one biological drive that governs all other biological drives, that is, simply to stay alive—survival. So how can we say that some lives are more “worthy” of others, and more entitled to existence than others? We all just want to live.
In this moment of clarity, no doubt catalyzed by “Mountains Beyond Mountains,” I defined my battle with poverty. As a physician, you treat an illness by attacking its source. Don’t patch the leak, turn off the water supply. An infection is caused by bacteria; kill the bacteria, and you get rid of the infection. What more challenging opponent is there than this deeply rooted, insidious malignity which causes nothing but absolute misery? It may make you and I rest easy to know that there are cures for the most deadly diseases, but what good is that to someone living with nothing. Even AIDS is no longer death sentence-- poverty surely is. I want to become a physician to treat poverty. This desire came over me so strongly that for a time today I was plagued by an all-consuming impatience. I want to do something about it now. A great deal of that impatience was also directed at my own self. I have lost sight somewhat of what’s real, what transcends the mini-dramas of young adult life. The poor are truly suffering, I am not. This also became clear to me today: my life is headed in the direction it’s headed, and I will be in two years where I am meant to be, there are things that I must and will do, and I cannot shift my focus or worry about whether or not some boy likes me. I have given too much of my attention and channeled too much concern into such a transient cause, one that has no bearing on the grand scheme of things. My field of vision is shifting away from this now and onto more pressing things. I decided I will spend this summer serving the poor. I’m not worried about the details; the when and how will come later. Like many things in my life, once the desire is placed in me, all I have to do is simply obey it. The time will come for this desire to be fulfilled. It leads me, I just follow.
If doctors became doctors to treat the righteous and blameless, perhaps maybe the poor would then have a fighting chance. Maybe it’s not such a bad idea after all.

Nappygirl Nappy at 9/27/2005 11:14:00 PM