Wednesday, April 27, 2005

listening to:

Things are great.

I found out got a job teaching high school biology for the next two years in Miami, and after being reminded of a few things that I deep down knew all along, I have a fresh outlook on my life and the things ahead. The coulds are gone. *smiles*
The things ahead... my mind is always on the future instead of concentrating on the last few projects and papers that hold my freedom for ransom. I'd rather daydream about linen shopping. For now I can live vicariously through Kristen and Ryan, who just got a car and an apartment, which we will be painting this weekend. The apartment, not the car...unless Kristen fancies purple polka dots.
Next weekend my mom and Jazzy arrive for my graduation and they'll be taking me home with them to St. Croix. I'll spend the rest of the summer training in Houston and setting up an apartment in Miami, getting a car (a real one this time!) and getting ready for the first day of school in August.
Somehow I also have to fit in study time for the MCAT which I have ambitious plans to take in August. Medical school is not out of the picture, in fact, this Teach for America thing might even help out. Even though I'll be two years "behind", and be middle aged when I get out of school, I still want to be a doctor, no matter what.

And by the way, its probably not a good idea to harrass and torment someone for years, break into their email account, create slanderous websites, betray deep trust, say horrible and hurtful things, cause more pain to someone than anyone else ever has, and expect them to be happy to hear from you once you realize you fucked up. It usually doesn't work that way. When you are evil, sick, and twisted, things don't usually work out in your favor, its just one of those little life lessons.

the end.

Nappygirl Nappy at 4/27/2005 01:08:00 AM

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

listening to: thoughts in my head




We went to the Cheesecake Factory tonight, five of us: Cal, Heather, Kristen, Hannah, and I. I almost didn't go. I didn't have the energy to endure the emotional acrobatics of spending the entire night not speaking to Hannah (another story) while also avoiding awkwardness with the rest of the girls, but it was too late to back out. I was also having mixed feelings about going out with the Core (Core=Kristen Heather Callista). On one hand, I was happy to be invited for once, instead of being banished to my room while they are partying it up in the suite, but on the other hand, I knew it was a false sense of belonging. I am out of the circle for good and this little outing was just a diplomatic exception. If it weren't for the fact that Callista won the Cheescake factory gift certificate because of Hannah's AMSA raffle, neither of us would have been invited. Just like I wasn't invited to bowling, or improptu keg parties, or bocce on the lawn on sunday morning.
Anyway, I resisted hiding away in bed and I went. The night did not start as disastrously as I had imagined. On the way to the mall the conversation was pleasant, there was laughter, and I was actually having a good time. Things weren't awkward at all, in fact, everyone was genuinely happy. The gods were smiling down on our little Cheesecake trip and even sent us the best waiter possible.
Heather decided we should pitch in and cover Callista's portion of the bill since she was contributing her gift card, and I had no reason to disagree. I had an $8 appetizer and an $8 slice of cheesecake, but no drink. Kristen had the same, but she ordered a $2 glass of lemonade. After Kristen and Heather's calculations subtracting the gift card allowance, and adding tax and tip and Callista's bill, the amount I was to pay was the same as Kristen's. Just off the top of my head it didn't add up that I would have to pay the same amount as Kristen when I purposely avoided a drink to save a few bucks. I made the mistake of blurting out this observation. Kristen and Heather both looked at me with disgust, like I had no morals because I was disputing a two dollar difference. The money didn't really matter, but I couldn't take back what I said. Kristen reached into her purse gave me the two dollars in cash, and made a point of saying "here just take it, it doesn't really matter." Her voice was sweet, but scathing at the same time. The cheesecake came, and when she was sorting them out, I slipped the money right back in her purse. The damage was done though. The distraction of the cheesecake didn't last long, because a moment later I turned in their direction and overheard Heather scoffing to Kristen in a low voice "your drink was only like a dollar anyway." I caught her eye and they stopped. Its true, the money really didn't matter, but there was more to it than just money. Its really easy to think the worst in people when you don't really like them to begin with. I know they only tolerate me because I'm friends with Kristen, clearly because I'm not in their inner circle. I couldn't be all talkative and happy after that, not in the company of people who thought so low of me. Funny how I started the night thinking it would be a disaster because of Hannah.
The only way to make it safely to graduation is to keep my mouth shut, and keep my eyes on the ground.


Nappygirl Nappy at 4/13/2005 10:03:00 PM

Friday, April 08, 2005

listening to:

I've been thinking a lot lately about going home, and recalling everything that home is. I've forgotten a lot being gone for so many years, but after reading my sister Jasmine's blog it all came coming back. This entry perfectly describes what home and family was for me.

Nappygirl Nappy at 4/08/2005 11:59:00 PM

Thursday, April 07, 2005

listening to:


Written March 14th 2005

Lonely is having no one on your side... NO ONE. Not even your own mother to stick up for you, defend you, there is no cold like being out in that cold. Going through childhood the complete outcast, being put down, made to feel worthless, ugly, unwanted, repulsive. Being truly forgotten on your birthday. Having no one ever make a fuss about you, your accomplishments, no flowers sent ever, no surprise birthday parties. No just-because, no father who picks up the pieces, no one to protect me, to make me feel safe, sheltered. I’m on my own.

Nappygirl Nappy at 4/07/2005 11:17:00 AM