Friday, March 11, 2005

listening to:

So I was depressed today, I don’t really know why, but I cried. I don’t do that often, but when it happens I get really weirded out by myself. I think a lot, about deep things, and I’m much deeper than people know. Anyway, today I faced the state of things since our fateful Spring Break trip. Gianni and I talked a lot, and to my relief we understood each other in more ways than I expected.
I think I cried because I’m in mourning. I’ve been on my own for four years with no family except the friends I’ve made here. But for everyone else, friends are just friends, not family, and I wish it were the same for me, but friends aren’t just friends. So I'm mourning the loss of this "family" I thought I had. In two months everything will change. I will go back to an 83 square mile island and the two people that make up my family. I’ve lived a very different life here, the things I own now are the nicest things I’ve ever had in my life, and I pretend that I was never poor. I see other people’s homes, and other people’s families, and I cringe at how far from that my home and family are. The only person who knows this and understands this about me is my sister Diana. Somehow, while we grew up on opposite ends of the country, we managed to still lead parallel lives. Whenever I’m feeling the loneliest, the most misunderstood, neglected, forgotten, and unimportant, I remember that I’m really not, because no matter what, she’s been through it too.
It has become crystal clear to me, I must move on. I need to let go of the attachments to people that ultimately, don’t truly feel the same about me, the way only family can. I started from scratch four years ago, and its time to do that again. Its over for me now, I just want to graduate and move on to the next stage in my life, and the new people it will bring to my life. I was a fool to think things would be the same, this semester alone has proved me wrong. All I have to do is get through the next few months, and then I can peace out. .

Nappygirl Nappy at 3/11/2005 09:52:00 PM listening to:

We missed the MFAT last week, before we left for spring break, and Dr. Mudd was kind enough to let us take it this morning in her lab. It turns out MFAT stands for Major Field Assesment Test, and they have them in almost every subject, even criminology. Its pretty sad that I didn't even know what test I was taking until I had it on the table in front of me. It wasn't too bad, though, it took two hours, but it paled in comparison to the MCAT, so I wasn't complaining.

Afterward, I didn't do anything in particular, my big accomplishment was uploading all the pictures from Spring Break, which can be found here. My mom called in the evening and we sorted through the plans for the summer, and for graduation. They will be coming during finals week and I'll be going back with them after graduation. I can't wait to go. I've given up already and I just want college to be over.

In the evening, I went over to Hannah's and recovered my picture collection pre-computer meltdown. We watched this really inspiring ABC special about people who became successful even though they grew up in stark poverty or crazy adversity. Like the Irish tenor who spent the first three years of his life in a children's hospital and went on to become a track star, jockey, physician and professional singer, even though his legs were amputated from the knees down.

Now I'm in bed with my laptop where it was meant to be, on my lap. I just got done having a conversation with Steve, the friend of Kristia's I meant for the second time in Buffalo last weekend. It was a really strange conversation the strangest part going like this:

me: are you joking, Im the tallest dorkiest one
him: stop
me: fine
him: haha
him: can i be honest and not to sound stupid
me: sure
him: you are honestly the prettiest...i would say most gorgeous girl i have ever met
me: are you serious
him: now as i embaress myself...
him: haha
him: yes i am dead serious

Now at this point in the conversation, I'm a little weirded out. I've heard this a few times over the weekend as well, and I JUST DON'T BELEIVE IT. I'm sorry, I don't. Anyway, even if its true, all the good looks in the world don't bring happiness when you are sad, they don't keep you company when you are lonely, and they don't appreciate you when you are feeling neglected. Is this my curse then? To be told endlessly that I am beautiful, yet destined to be lonely?
I am boycotting makeup for the rest of the weekend. I don't want to be told this anymore, because I swear I'll cry if I hear it one more time. Its not a compliment anymore, instead, its my loniless rubbed right in my face.
I don't need a man to keep me company, but when everyone else seems to be preoccupied by one, it can get pretty lonely.





Nappygirl Nappy at 3/11/2005 01:16:00 AM

Thursday, March 10, 2005

listening to: an old SNL episode in the background

I can't sleep. Traveling always does weird things to my sleeping schedule, so I'm sitting in my room alone and wired. Spring Break in the Bahamas was a trip, but I'm glad to be back now.

I did not anticipate how spending 5 days with six people in one room would fry my nerves and good humor. I also didn't anticipate how much I would learn about people and also about myself(as hokey as that sounds, yes). Kristen arranged for us to stay at the Sheraton for our trip which happened to be during the busiest week of the Spring Break season. At first, I was amused by all the drunk sorority girls and frat boys who went to Big Dumb State schools running around shouting and having the most asinine converstations, but by the end of the trip, I wanted to shoot them all. It just made me appreciate my non-shallow friends that much more.

At night we would go to the Square accross the street in Port Lucaya. It was pretty much like a huge outdoor club. There was music, a raised dancefloor, and shotstands everywhere. It would get so crowded we would have to hold hands and squeeze our way through the crowds. The first night, we went down there even though we were dead tired from being up at 4:30 that morning. The girls and I got split up from the boys for a while, and when we found them again, Gianni was the drunkest I had ever seen him in my life. He couldn't focus, and he was wobbling and sloshing his drink everywhere. He was far too drunk to be out anymore, so I managed to get him back to the hotel room by myself, while everyone else stayed out having a good time while I babysat. I thought the trouble was over once I got him in bed, but I was wrong. In the middle of the night, he got up, sleepwalked down the hall, and woke up to find him self locked out wearing nothing but his underwear! At this point everyone else had come home and gone to bed, but noone heard his knocking. Still half drunk, he went down to the front desk to try to get a key for the room. The front desk wasn't amused that he was just in his underwear and when Kristen came down to get him, they tried to give her trouble. It was an eventful first night.

The first day the weather was absolutely beautiful. we got up early and went straight down to the beach and spend the day there. Luckily we got a full day of sun, because every day after that was gray and cloudy. MTV was in charge of the entertainment for the week so the boys went off to watch the booty shaking contests or whatever excuse there was for nudity.
There was DJ Boogie, and several Real World/Road Rules cast members wandering around. At night they were up in the VIP section of the Square with Boogie.

The second night, I met this really cool guy on the dance floor who "bumped" into me, then asked me to dance. He was a pre-med Spanish major/Business minor who went to George Washington U in DC. He was tall, white, a little lanky, but he had great eyes and a nice smile. And the best part of all, he knew what Teach for America was, and he thought it was awesome that I was doing it! So I talked to him for pretty much the rest of the night while the rest of the gang kinda shot me raised eyebrows and suspicious looks. I don't blame them though, it was pretty out of character for me, especially these days in my anti-guy streak. But on my end, it was purely innocent. He was interesting to talk to, and he didn't try to touch me at all. I knew I would never see him again after that night, and what the hey, it was Spring Break after all. It was as wild as I was going to get.

The third night out was nuts. First off, I was feeling insecure, fat, and having a bad hair day, I didn't pack the outfit I wanted to wear, and I ran out of eyeliner. But whatever, I borrowed a top from Kristen and did the best I could with my stupid nappy hair. We got down there, and there was a special VIP section going on with a littls show by Boogie. I wasn't really paying attention to what was going on up on the stage when Heather said that they were calling me. I turned around and DJ Boogie was holding the microphone, and pointing at me calling me to the stage. I was pulled up on stage with him, and a bunch of other MTV personalities. It was crazy. I wasn't even facing the stage when I was pulled out of the crowd and up on stage. I eventually fanagled Heather and Kristen up on stage with me, and I got pictures with all the Real World Cast members. After a while I got tired of being up there dancing, and almost getting groped by one of the VIP's up there. So back down on the ground, I get asked to dance by a pretty cute guy, but I turned him down. I felt bad immediately afterward, but he was gone before I could tell him it was okay. Later on, the girls told me they thing some guy was eyeing me, but looked to scared to come over. I thought that was just too cute, and feeling silly that some one should be scared to approach me, plus I was feeling bad about the last guy, so I caught this one's eye and motioned him over. I said, "do you wanna dance", and he said "Hell yea!" as he took my hand. The gang was all smiles and we went to dance. His name was Colin (lol) played footbal for South Carolina and wanted to be a teacher (!!!). He was super sweet and kept telling me I was beautiful. This embarrased me, truly, because honestly, it seemed to be the theme of the night, but I didn't feel like I deserved it. I really don't. But whatever, it was a fun night.

The next day, it was windy, rainy and gray. We spent the day indoors for the most part. Heather started feeling ill, and by the evening, wasn't feeling well enough to go out. The boys went off on their own for the day and were not missed. Kristen Gianni and I went down to the Casino and allowed ourselves $5 each to spend. We tried the quarter slot machines, and I don't know if it was beginner's luck or what, but for a while I was doing pretty well. I seemed to find the machines that really good odds, and at one point I won 30 quarters! I walked away up $2.50 my first time gambling. That was pretty much it for the night, we were in bed my 1am.

At that point tensions were high between the girls and the two straight guys. Pat was being a complete asshole, who would essentially sell his soul for the slight opportunity to glimpse a boob. Never mind Pat is a self proclaimed virgin, and in my opinion, his boob obsession is nothing more than an elaborate cover for his homosexuality. His dickheadedness was rubbing off on Russell, who was intent on being his "wingman" for the trip, and at the same time, completely neglecting Heather. As a result of this trip, I have completely written off a certain someone who will remain nameless. I'm not angry as much as I truly pity this poor soul, because what I witnessed couldn't be more pathetic. When you get to your senior year, you begin to realize who are truly important to you, the relationships worth holding on to, and the ones that bring nothing to your life.
With that said, we were all ready to go home by the last night. After check out, we spent time at Kristen's mom's house. Its a beautiful home, and being there made me miss my island, and awaken the faint desire to actually want to go back there to live one day. Seeing the slow life in Paradise after beeing in a city for so long was refreshing and calming. I felt at home in a lot of ways, and I look forward to going back to for a while.
Anyway, we survived the 5 hour boat ride back, partly because we got a cabin this time around, so we didn't have to sleep uncomfortably in the lounge chairs with metal sticking in our backs, Heather took dramamine so she didn't get sick, and we didn't have to see the boys the whole time.
Okay now I am sufficiently sleepy... I'm gonna go rest up for the four days of Spring Break still left. Peace out.


Nappygirl Nappy at 3/10/2005 01:09:00 AM