Monday, May 31, 2004

listening to:TV in the background

Tomorrow is my little brother's 18th birthday, except he isn't little anymore. He is over 6 feet tall and I'm sure he weighs much more than me, but my mental image of him is still the lanky, scrawny 15 year old boy that I haven't seen in three years. Its not because I left for college that I haven't seen him, its because he left to live with my Dad after my mother gave up custody of him. My brother had always had a fiery temper, but as he got older, his temper mixed with drugs had violent results. Three separate criminal sentences at the youth detention center didn't seem to deter his ways and finally my mother gave up on him. Living with my Dad probably wasn't any better, and that didn't last long. My dad is another story all together. He is a self-proclaimed Rasta who never grew out of the hippie phase of the 60's and 70's. (I was born in 1983 on a Hippie commune in Tennesse.) He smokes pot, doesn't work, and knocks up every white woman he comes across. He has 7 kids in almost every corner of the country, and he has never been married. He has never supported any of his offspring, so naturally being with my dad probally wasn't the best environment for him, but he had no where else to go. So he stayed with my dad in Pahoa, Hawaii for a while, but apparently my Dad didn't take good care of my brother, which isn't suprising since my dad never did a good job of taking care of himself. He left my dad and somehow found a family that took him instead. He stayed with them in Hawaii for a while. And then sometime in the last two years, I'm not really sure what happened next, he found his way to Los Angeles and is staying at a shelter by himself. I also hear that he has grown up a bit and changed for the better. Its been three years, and being on your own can certainly be maturing. He is so intelligent and, as corny as it sounds, he could do so much. He's been on a different path so far, and he probably won't go to college, but I know he can still make something of himself.
My family definitely does not fit the mold in many ways, and I think for a long time I resigned myself to my fragmented family and didn't give it the credit it deserves. Family has been on my mind a lot lately, and I think I realize there truely is no substitute. Granted, it is possible to have very close friends, and feel welcome and at home, but family is family and always will be.
I used to go weeks here at school without talking to my mom, and before I left, I lived with my sister for 13 years but never knew who she was. The one person who knows me better than anyone else lives on the other coast, but I couldn't handle someone telling me the truth about myself. I didn't realize that's what family is for.
Before, I felt the need to escape my "crazy" family, but now I wouldn't mind if they all weren't so far away.


Nappygirl Nappy at 5/31/2004 09:31:00 PM

Sunday, May 30, 2004

listening to: Aventura--Gone

It always feels like my life is on hold whenever school ends. Four weeks of Christmas break was enough to endure...this time there are four months of summer to get through. At least this summer I am staying in Miami instead of going home, where I would have no friends, no job, and nothing to do. At first it seemed that I wouldn't be able to work enough to afford the rent to stay, but like always God opened some doors and I'm here after all.
The apartment I'm staying in for the summer is in the back of a little yellow house about a mile from school. The landlady is this funny little Brazillian lady who boards pets and has a live in boyfriend who rides a motorcycle and sports a mullet. They both look like they are in their forties. The boyfriend saw Jack, Gianni and I leave the house this morning conspicuously sleepy and disheveled. I could tell what he was thinking since I'm sure he saw Agnes parked overnight. I laughed.
To pay the rent I'm working two jobs at Kelly House. In addition to the usual Student Ambassador, I'm working with Dave doing Grad Admissions, which I enjoy thoroughly. There is more responsibilites attached with the new job, but also more importance. I'm luckier than most I guess, cuz I have a job I like.
Anyway, I think I've adjusted to vacation mode, although during the first few weeks I didn't know what to do with myself. I'm not used to things being slow and laid back. I don't think its normal to wish I were still in school.

I used to think that lonliness was the most painful feeling, buti have recently discovered something much worse. See, I would rather be alone than to be in the company of someone who felt I was a burden on them. It seems that what I thought was a mutual friendship was really a one way take-take relationship. Hmmm... come to think if it... It was never a burden when I called around and arranged a place to live for the summer, when I asked the landlady to lower the deposit, when I "lent" $20 for gas and didn't ask for it back, when I paid for groceries, or when I offered access to free printing, or when I gave away my text books, or when I lent my CD player or my blowdryer, when I lend clothes, or offer to pay... its never a burden whenever I say "don't worry about it". Curses for everytime I've ever said "is there anything I can do to help?" and God forbid I've ever actually done anything to help. I was mistakenly under the impression that friends did that sort of thing. Heck if I had a friend like me, I sure wouldn't want to be around me either. I'd rather be around someone who is constantly in a nasty mood, always makes cynical bitchy comments, always complains and criticizes. I'd rather have to walk on eggshells around my friends and weigh my words to make sure I don't ruin their good moods that come few and far between. That's the kind of friend I want to have. Never mind that other people point out their bitchiness, at least its not as bad as being a terrible burden. No, lonliness isn't so bad after all...

I sure don't want to be a load on anyone anymore. I will have my own car, my own cell phone, my own friends, my own life. My apologies to anyone I may have burdened.



Nappygirl Nappy at 5/30/2004 06:12:00 PM
shakira 

Nappygirl Nappy at 5/30/2004 06:01:00 PM