Monday, February 09, 2004

listening to: Blurry--Puddle of Mudd


Hannah had heart palps today. They started at one while I was in physio and at about half past three she felt worse. Its happened before, and she's getting to be a bit of a pro at it, but it scared me. Dawn got into a car accident over the weekend. She is okay, her car isn't... There's been a recurring theme in my thoughts the past couple of months... Its not just death, but, the fragility of this life. The overwhelming uncertainty of each day, of each minute, of each second. And it's not even really uncertainty, its more the inevitability of tragedy. The only uncertainty is what the tragedy will be. I know living in fear is not really living, so I don't think about death; when I do, I push it out of my mind as fast as I can. I myself am not afraid of dying, but I am deathly afraid of not being ready to die. I know what I mean by that. Kinda like, having to go on a sudden trip, but without packing any bags, or arriving at class and realizing you forgot there was a test...
On to lighter subject matter: This weekend I took another MCAT, after a week of non-stop tests. I slept a lot, and didn't do much else. Today I woke up happy and the day went by quite fine until. School sucks. I have never been more discouraged in all my years in school. I musta cried about 3 times on last Friday out of exhaustion, and felt really stoopid afterward. I talked to my mom on sunday, and she reminded me of a few things. First of all, I beleive all things happen for a reason. All things. Even the most seemingly inconsequential has a purpose in the grand scheme of things. There is a reason I feel so strongly about what I want to do, and If I were not meant do do it, I don't think things would have fallen into place the way they have... I remember applying to college even wondering if there was any point since the possiblity of not going was all too real. My mom could never afford it. But I did, and by a miracle, my college dream came true. Its true, I've kinda taken the harder road than average, with long nights of studying, and head-breaking exams in subjects of higher thought... But nevertheless, I am completely happy here. I think I would suffer more NOT being in school, not pushing myself to the limits all for the sake of a goal. And I know it's what I'm meant to do. There are other things too, which makes me realize that God would open all these doors along the way, and then slam the big door marked Medical School on my face. So, I've decided, all I can do is continue to work as hard as I can, and if that means a 60 on my first physics test, there is a reason for that. I dunno. It makes sense in my head. My dad always used to tell me not to take grades too seriously. Then again, my dad was a hippie activist/whack consipiracy theorist who's answer to everything was "it's all a part of the white man's system"... but anyway, he kinda had a point. There is only so much grades can tell. I know I'm smart. Heck, I KNOW I could be a good doctor. And that's why I want to be one, cuz I have faith in my abilities. If I thought I couldn't handle medical school I wouldn't be trying. So the next time I'm feeling overwhelmed, I'll have things in better perspective. I've never enjoyed self-pity, nor feeling hopeless. Cuz no matter what, there is ALWAYS hope. Thats just he way of things. Wow, I wrote a lot. Blogging is so grood.


Nappygirl Nappy at 2/09/2004 10:26:00 PM