Saturday, January 31, 2004

listening to:silence

I never know where to begin when I sit down to blog. It would seem that retelling a few days worth of events wouldn't be that much, but things happen in the blink of an eye.
On thursday we took a study "break" and we went to Denny's. 8 of us were there: Gianni, Hannah, Abbie, Kristen, Dawn, Ryan, Russell and me. Russell. It seems everytime I am near him, something happens. I was kinda glad that so far, things haven't been weird between us. Things ended in such an unspoken, yet final way. I had decided before I came back to school that things just couldn't continue the way they were going, and it would be over. I didn't tell him that of course, so I was expecting to have to turn down invitations and whatever, once we got back. That didn't happen though. I realize that he probably felt the same way. Although I was glad that breaking away wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be, I still couldn't help feeling a weird sense of rejection. At first I would still think about him, and I actually even got a bit jealous when I heard about Heather. Then I saw him last weekend, and I remembered everything I liked about him... But I was looking at things from a new perspective... I knew what would end up happening and I couldn't go back to that.
So, now being over him, why not be friends? That's a strange concept. Does that ever work? I think its possible for him and I to be comfortable around each other, which is probably as good as it will get.
I got drunk last night. I didn't really want to, but the party was planned for a weeks so what could I do. I did have a lot of fun though. We had jello bowls, we went to Billys, and then I ate waaaaay too much at Denny's at 3 the morning. I woke up with a headache and feeling like a fat ass. I have so much homework to do. I feel like Im always behind, and I can never catch up. My headache is starting to come back. I think I am going to try to take a nap since no one is here.
peace out

Nappygirl Nappy at 1/31/2004 06:42:00 PM

Monday, January 26, 2004

listening to:Why Can't I--Liz Phair

Back to "Normal"

This is the second blog I've had to write on Hannah's computer since mine decided to go screwy the first week of school. After replacing the mouse and keyboard, my network card kindly decided to stop working, so until I can get to a store to get a new one, Im gonna be internet-less.
So, lets see, what's been goin on... I look back at the blog I wrote last week and I remember how completely overwhelmed I felt. I don't normally have very intense feelings for very long, and I chalk it up to having a bad week. I've since acclimated to being in school again, and for the today I felt happy,balanced and, well, normal. Still, my schedule this semester does leave little free time. I just had to adjust a bit. So, on Friday the gang went to see Tad Hamilton (aka Leo from All My Children) and I would have gone had I not been so tired. So I stayed home and slept, which I'm glad I did, because I needed it. Then after breakfast on Saturday I did $6 worth of laundry and cleaned around. After MCAT, plans to hang out at our local hangout (Denny's) somehow turned into happy hour at Friday's turned into drinking at Ryan's and Bemily's turned into drinking at Russell's, and sleep at 5:30 am. There were a few ups and one particular down about that night. I was glad to be hanging out with Dawnie again, even though she never really went anywhere, but there's something to be said about drunken bonding lol. Now that she is back on campus we have easy access to the chew lovin hehe. It was weird to be in such close contact with Russell and to be in his room again after trying to put him out of my mind for the last month. I think I needed to be faced with the temptation and not give in (even though I needed a little help) in order to truly start the moving on process. So that was a good thing in disguise. As for the bad...what happened Saturday did not come as a suprise to me. All conflicts come to a climax, its just a question of when. And maybe that was a good thing too, because after the climax comes the resolution.
So anywho... things for right now are pretty normal. Schoolwork wise, I've started off on the right track, aside from that first physics quiz that I kinda failed... but yeah, things are looking good. One thing I am particularly proud/amazed about is how I've put guys at the bottom of my list. I mean I was okay being single, but I would always be on the lookout for the next guy. Now I really could care less about flirting or whatever. I don't know how I got this mindset to stick, but I hope it lasts a while. Life is complicated enough.
So anyway, I promised myself and Hannah that I would be in bed my midnight and I have an hour to get a million things done, so this is it for now. Once I get my schedule down, I'll factor in some blog time and keep updating regularly.


Nappygirl Nappy at 1/26/2004 11:05:00 PM

Thursday, January 22, 2004

listening to: My Immortal--Evanescence

I miss me

SO as much as I promised myself I would not neglect my journal, It's been a full week since I blogged. At home I got so used to spending hours on end by myself, never being in a rush to do anything, and the past 10 days has been the complete opposite of that. Since Friday,I haven't spent more than 30 mins alone (while awake) and it seems I'm always rushing to go somewhere or do something. God, what I wouldn't give for one day to sleep till noon and spend the day in my pajamas with NOTHING to do. I'm already feelin a little burnt out. It's not like this is anything new; I survived the last year and a half living squeezing all I could out of every minute of every hour. There really are not enough hours in each day. Gotta love falling into bed everyday completely exhausted.
So lets see... what's goin on in my life... Classes are not as bad as last semester... YET. Microbio is interesting, the term paper will be a headache, but its nothing I haven't done before. I understand more of Dr. Struganova's physics with her thick russian accent than I ever did with Dr. Goehl's plain english, Chemistry is doable (if they let me stay in the class *big sigh*), and Physiology I could do with my eyes closed. I hate to put so much pressure on myself, but this semester is truly the be-all end-all for the rest of my life. If I do not get straight A's the only medical school I will get into will be the Mickey Mouse school of Medicine, if I don't get wait-listed. Today I accidently overslept and woke up at 9:57 for Microbio at 10. I got up in a panic thinking as I got ready "omg what if I oversleep on the day of the MCAT?" There are so many things I have to do between now and application time, and so many ways I can mess up. I'm already learning that from getting a D in orgo. That one class is throwing everything out of whack. I'm facing not graduating on time, which I know isnt the end of the world, but it kinda feels like that to me. I feel like such a failure, like I am worth the D I got in chemistry. I have to think about getting letters of recommendation, writing personal statements, getting over a 30 on the MCAT, having a good GPA, having research experience, volunteering, having extracurricular activities... ALL while trying to live the life of a 20 year old. My social life so far has not suffered much. I've got friends, and I have fun (maybe a little too much?) Relationships are demanding. For all my talk, I really couldn't handle a bf right now. For goodness sake, I don't have enough time by myself. The last thing I need is trying to meet the demands of another relationship. I'll go nuts. I know this will pass, but right now I feel like everything bothers me. Everything. Hannah is playing music right now. Normally its all good, we share the same taste in music and Im jammin to whatever she's playing. But tonight, It annoys me that I never get to play any of my music. It bothers me that I can't bear to offend anyone, that I am so passive and submissive when it comes to people. It bothers me that I get snapped at when I hold back from snapping. It bothers me that even in joking, I can't bear to be mean and insulting, yet the joke's always on me. It bothers me that I ask if its okay when others take liberties. It bothers me that I think about how the next person feels before I think of me. It bothers me that I can't fully explain how frustrated and aggravated I feel, and it bothers me that I DONT KNOW WHY. I think I understand the need for mood altering drugs right now. I'm going to bed. Hopefully I'll feel like myself in the morning.


Nappygirl Nappy at 1/22/2004 12:24:00 AM

Monday, January 12, 2004

listening to: Aventura--Obsecion

Bienvenido a Miami!

*Sigh* But not so much out of relief as it is out of complete exhaustion. Today was the first day of the semester, but as was expected, it did not go smoothly. But then, when does anything ever go smoothly for me? When do I ever take less than 3 connections to get from here to St. Croix or vice versa, when do all my bags arrive at my final destination? When do I get through the first day of class and NOT adjust my schedule 15,000 times?
So yes, I went through all of that and more these last two days. Getting here was a nightmare, but not nearly as bad as the flight home last December. When I finally landed in Ft. Lauderdale airport at midnight, I thought I was home free... only to realize only one of my bags would show up on the conveyor belt. Luckily for me, it was the bag I put all my good clothes in, and I had the foresight to pack my toothbrush and contact stuff in my carryon, so I wasn't totally stranded. So silver lining there.
Then I barely made it through the first University Physics II lecture with evil spawnofthedevil Dr. Goehl. grrr Then Microbio wasn't so bad. Suprisingly it was packed; Over 50 students were in the class. And for Barry U where the average class size is 20, that's a lot. Mostly nursing majors tho. It actually seemed like it would be a fun class. You know its bad when Microbiology is your fluff class. So, then... the class I have been dreading since freshman year... HUMAN PHYSIOLOGY. No one tries to hide the fact that it is hands down the hardest course offered by the Biology department and, possibly, by the entire university, taught by the infamous Dr. Sanborn. Lets flash back to sophomore year, when the young and innocent Paula was taking a little ol' course by the name of Zoology. In this course the instructor assigned a term paper, which is not uncommon in a biology class, and this paper was due at the end of the semester which giving a good 3 solid months to work on it. What was uncommon was Dr. Sanborn's strict margin requirements, and not realizing the depths of Dr. Sanborn's evil, Paula turned in her paper without first taking her handy ruler to measure her margins, and ended up failing the paper. SO if that was any indication of what was to come in Physiology, I was less than excited. Anyway, to make a loooong story short, Dr. Sanborn kicked me out at the beginning of the lecture and I ended up spending the rest of the afternoon with Kristen in our advisor's office and running around frantically trying to secure overrides for all new classes that were just about filled up. So as it stands, I am no longer in any of the classes that I started out in, and good riddance to Dr. Sanborn and his precious Human physiology.


Nappygirl Nappy at 1/12/2004 10:38:00 PM

Friday, January 09, 2004

listening to:Duck and Run--3 Doors Down

F5

They haven't put up the friday five yet, which is what I am really looking forward to posting, so until then I'll just put up the song that's been in my head all day...

To this world I'm unimportant just
Because I have nothing to give
So you call this your free country
Tell me why it cost so much to live
Tell me why

This world can turn me down
But I wont turn away, oh no
And I wont turn around

All my work and endless measures
Never seem to get me very far
Walk a mile just to move an inch
Now even though Im trying so
Damn hard
Im trying so hard

This world can turn me down but I
Wont turn away
And I wont duck and run, cause
Im not built that way
When everything is gone there is
Nothing there to fear
This world cannot bring me down
No cause I am already here, oh no!

Im already here, down
On my knees
Im already here, oh no,
Im already here
I must have told you a thousand
Times Im not running away

I wont duck and run
I wont duck and run
I wont duck and run
No, no, no pass away

This world can turn me down but I
Wont turn away
And I wont duck and run, cause
Im not built that way
When everything is gone there is
Nothing there to fear
This world cannot bring me down
No, cause Im already here
This world can turn me down
But I wont turn away
And I wont duck away
Cause Im not built that way

When everything is gone there
Is nothing there to fear
This world cannot
Bring me down
No cause Im already here


Nappygirl Nappy at 1/09/2004 09:26:00 PM

Tuesday, January 06, 2004

listening to: nothing

MY Dear Sweet sister

Little does my dear sweet sister know that I purposefully left the computer on with my journal up on the screen with every intention of her finding it. Im suprised it took her that long when all she really had to do was go into my history or my favorites to find the link. But I guess that's something that I would do... I was trying hard NOT to keep it a secret, all those times I left it up on the screen.. But I was getting impatient and decided to help her along... So mission accomplished for both of us.
I guess its because we were never really close that I could read your entries without judgement, and afterward I had a whole new brand of admiration for you. Your writing is incredible, and it seems you know more about yourself at 15 than I do at 20. It was great. I had no clue of the depths of Jasmine. I read without judgement because I know that when I reveal myself and empty my thoughts in front of someone, I do so unapologetically. Maybe it is unwise, but when I write I don't think about who is going to be on the other end of my thoughts. Otherwise I coudn't be genuine, and then I might as well not write at all.
There is a lot that could be said, but I think we are both pretty much on the same page (heehee).
Welcome to my world.

Nappygirl Nappy at 1/06/2004 09:26:00 PM

Monday, January 05, 2004

listening to:Poem to a Horse--Shakira

Kmart sucks butt.

After drugging myself to sleep last night so that I would put myself back on schedule, I woke up not so refreshed this morning. I had the hint of a headache all day and didn't feel quite like myself. Kinda like a bear waking up after a long hibernation.
I spent the morning at the hospital where I changed and fed a few babies. So far I haven't had a day like the first when I got to watch that C-section and saw two circumscisions. There was a new preemie in the NICU, who was born two days after christmas. He was incredibly small, and his skin looked so fragile and papery thin. His whole body seemed to struggle with every breath. It kinda took me by suprise. I sat staring at him for a while wondering how life could be contained in such a small package. I musta zoned out for a while cuz I jumped a mile when the isolette's warming timer went off.
I had a post-op visit at the dentist's at 1pm. As I walked into the waiting room I saw one of The Ex's ex's sitting there reading some random 6 month old magazine, and being that the island is so incredibly small, I'm almost certain she recognized me. She was one of the more serious highschool girlfriends before I came along, and I'd heard a lot about her. I wonder what she had heard of me... We gave each other these awkward sidelong glances, looking away if we caught each other's eye, not knowing if we should be nice or not, and deciding that we'd be better of not acknowledging each other. Not to mention Kirra (girl from stx who also goes to Barry) was working as the receptionist over break, and was super syrupy sweet and said "see you at school" knowing damn well she doesn't speak two words to me on campus. So for those first few minutes, the waiting room felt so incredibly small and I was very grateful when Ms. Ex's Ex was called to the examining room.
When it was my turn Dr. Teethpuller said everything's all good in my mouth, which is good considering everything that comes out of it is foul. I've got four big gaping holes where my wisdom teeth used to be, and I still can't open my jaw all the way. Yawning is a bitch. The only thing i have to worry about is having food get stuck in the holes, so he gave me this syringy thingy to quirt peroxide in them after I eat. Its a pain in the ass, but its either that or tooth decay. It's gonna take up to six months for the bone to reform and my jaw to be whole again. When I was leaving, he said to come back and say hi the next time I'm at home... nice thought. I would if I ever do. Aside from his practice, he also works at the hospital as a maxillofacial surgeon, and at my mom's request, he helped set me up with the volunteer position at the hospital. Other than the fact that he ripped my teeth out leaving me spending christmas starving and in pain, he's a pretty cool guy, loved his jokes about my hair.
I drove home listening to the Feliz Christmasdad mix that Hannah sent me, and was feelin pretty good. I got home and picked up Jazzy so we could kill time causing trouble in the Kmart five mins up the road. We actually did too, we got yelled at by a saleslady for opening these lip glossy thingies to see what color they were. Supposedly they were sealed and we were "contaminating them", but they seals were already gone, so whatever. I ended up spending WAY too much money on lipgloss, cuz I don't already have 15,000 cluttering up every purse I own, and they aren't all the same damn color. We lost track of time mingling with the makeup, and had to rush to pick up mom for 4:30.
At home, I did the girly thing with Jasmine and painted our nails, and tried on all the new makeup we bought. It was fun. Now that I am leaving next week, I am finally starting to be okay here, and for the first time all break, I wasn't in a totally anitsocial pissy mood with my family. I actually enjoyed myself today. I hung out with Jazzy and I didn't zone out on my mom during the ride home... yeah, Im not too sure what's up with that either.
So anyway, Im dog tired and in desparate need of one of Jack's massages, but I just had to leave an entry before I went to bed. This blog has become somewhat of an obsession! I've changed it everyday since I ressurected it on New Years. At least all you people out there won't get bored.
Come back tomorrow folks!


Nappygirl Nappy at 1/05/2004 11:07:00 PM

Sunday, January 04, 2004

listening to: In My Place--Coldplay

seven days

G'dammit. I knew it would eventually happen... I write a whole good chunk o'blog and a click on preview your post takes me to"sorry loser, internet explorer fucked up and is now going to close on your ass, muahahahah!" So yeah, I wrote about the usual: going home (one week baby,yeah!), doing fuckall here wasting my days away in front of the computer and screwing with my circadian rythym. Nothing much has changed since yesterday, so there really isn't anything to update. To make this post worthwhile I'll publish something I wrote last night cuz I was bored and in one of those weird moods. Don't worry about me too much, I still have some degree of normalcy left in me... *shoots herself with a glue gun*

Would you like fries with that?

I know what the meaning of life is, or in other words, why our lives have meaning... Because we can make CHOICES. Animals and trees and insects have life, but do their lives have meaning? I don't think so. It is true that these lives affect other lives, and so in that way are meaningful, but they do not have meaning. For example, trees give off oxygen, which is necesarry for the survivial of just about everything on the planet, but if a tree branch falls and hits a passerby in the head knocking him dead, the tree had no choice in the matter. It may seem that more evolved animals do seemingly make choices, which is true. But do these choices have any moral bearing? I don't think a hungry lion poised to attack a rabbit is aware of any "wrongness" in grabbing a bite to eat. To Mr lion, its the same walking into McDonalds for a burger. Their built in instincts allow animals to eat when they are hungry and procreate. They really have no say in anything. I'd like to see the day a cat decides that she doesn't want any kittens cuz it will ruin her figure and put a dent in her social life, or a dog deciding not to sniff anymore crotches, or a fish going on a diet.
Animals don't question their own existence. Only we can be held accountable for our actions. A single choice made can cause a domino cascade of effects that can never be undone. We are here to choose our way through life, learning which ones to never make again, and which ones to always make. Sometimes there is no correct choice, rather just the least-wrong.


Nappygirl Nappy at 1/04/2004 03:13:00 PM

Saturday, January 03, 2004

listening to: Dare you to Move--Switchfoot

Welcome to the fallout...

I've had this nagging feeling that something unforseen is coming... I have no idea what or how big, but I've felt it. So its ironic how Kristen and I thought yesterday was going to be one of those inbetween days that go by without any significant event... boy were we wrong!
So, I don't want to sound like a bitter man-bashing feminist, but I don't hold out much hope for love, only because all I've ever seen is heartbreak. I can't help be cynical after watching: Anthony tear through friendships and leave a wake of damaged hearts, Ricardo leave her for no good reason after she's fallen in love with him, then moved on to the next girl faster than her tears could dry, Jessica's fiance practically leaving her at the alter, Matthew, Michael, Chase... the list goes on and on. What happened last night, (even thought it didn't happen to me, I know it could, and god knows it has before), only makes me beleive that more. I know what its like to let down your walls, let someone in, and give them your all, seeing them as perfect and wanting nothing in return than to be loved. Beleiving that they deserve my vulnerability I let my guard down, only to be hurt EVERY time. Every SINGLE time. And not just hurt as in, oh its too bad things didn't work out... I mean the heartwrenching pain of finding out everything you beleived was a lie. What makes me think that the next guy will be different? lol That's what I've said about every guy, oh this one is different... I should at least give it a chance... Then proceed with caution becomes, yeah he is different, I don't know what I was worried about, Green Light... And as soon as I let down the wall, BAM,there's the blow. suprise attack. Each time I go through this, or see someone I love go through it, something inside me dies. I've seen too much in my 20 years. I feel l don't have the energy to do it anymore. I don't know what love without a catch is. I hate being so bitter and pessimistic, but its true. My heart goes out to you K, if I could take this on for you, I would in an instant. Only time will tell what happens next...


Nappygirl Nappy at 1/03/2004 12:37:00 PM

Friday, January 02, 2004

Friday Five

What one thing are you most looking forward to...
1. ...today?
Well, I woke up today after 2pm, but didn't actually get out of bed until closer to 3 because I couldn't find a good reason to. I've done some laundry, read a bit more of House of Sand and Fog, and now I'm crappin away at the computer. Today is one of those transition days where nothing happens, but you have to just get through it anyway. I look forward to getting this day over with.

2. ...over the next week?
Going back to MIAMI! woo hoo! That's when the year really begins, not Jan 1st, but Jan 12 ladies and gentlemen. Life isn't complete without random trips to Denny's at 2am, getting drunk on a regular basis, seeing people for the first time all day at midnight madness, and when none of your friends are further than a five min walk away... ahh good times... lol I think it's sad that I have no life outside school. I'll be volunteering my mornings in the hospital next week, the final week of break. Thats something to look forward to I guess... It gets me out of the house and doing something worthwhile, and it will make time pass faster.

3. ...this year?
The one event this year that I am most "looking forward to" is taking the MCAT in April. I say most looking forward to, but not as in omg I'm so excited, I can't wait to wake up ass early to take an 8 hour test that will make my brain feel like jello and pay a shit load to do it! ...lol... but as in, omg this is the most important test of my life and will determine the course of my future. Getting into medical school is the only thing I want to do and everything I do from now until then is in preparation. So I gladly give up my Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights to take a 2 1/2 hr, $1200 prep course, sacrificing my sanity and social life for a test that I think about at least once a day. It all leads up to this. so wish me luck!

4. ...over the next five years?
I look forward to being in medical school, satisfying my soul's desire, and making new memories. I can only imagine what will happen in the next five years, but if its anything like the past five I look forward to happiness, heartache, break-ups and make-ups and some damn good times!

5. ...for the rest of your life?
Having a healthy family with someone who loves me as much as I love him, raising children to be to good people, and seeing them have lives and dreams of their own.


Nappygirl Nappy at 1/02/2004 06:19:00 PM

St. Croix Chica?

I'm suprised I haven't been completely miserable the past three weeks. Usually, I dread going home, for several reasons:
1. I don't get along with my mother
2. I run the risk of running into the ex
3. I have no friends to spend time with
I feel trapped on this tiny patch of land with no where to go and no one to talk to. I found out that the entire island is 28 miles long and 7 miles at its widest point. The drive from one end to the other takes less than an hour. Nevermind that the island is small... I can't stand the mentality of the people here... the look indifference at best, and contempt at worst, on the face of every girl my age, and their default attitudes of "it's not my problem"... The condescending way they dismiss "white people music" as anything other than rap, hiphop, or reggae... There is so much ignorance and closemindedness that once made me hide the fact that I liked alternative music, and put on this ignorant accent because speaking proper english wasn't cool, and who reads books? I have always felt displaced here, and I never knew how true it was until I went to Miami...
So there's only one week till I go to my real home, and I can say good riddance to this place.

Nappygirl Nappy at 1/02/2004 01:10:00 AM

Thursday, January 01, 2004

It's been too long!

So WOW... I almost feel like I've come full circle. I started this weblog a year and a half ago... the summer I came home after my first year of school, and now its junior year and I'm home again for christmas break. lol I read my old posts and I think: everything has changed and nothing has changed. I am still counting the days till I go back to Miami and wishing I never came, resolving never to come back again. I forgot how much I hated it here. But other than that EVERYTHING has happened to me. I don't even know where to begin.
For starters, it is now 12:51 am on January 1, 2004, an appropriate date to begin a journal. I think that also speaks for how big a loser I am. Who the hell rings in the new year with their fat ass on the computer in their pajamas? Tha'd be me. I'm home for four weeks of rest and relaxation... as well as time to study for the MCAT. I've been home two weeks so far and what have I gotten accomplished? absolutely nothing. Feels great.
So anyway, lets recap the events from the last two weeks of last semester: Thanksgiving break was the calm before the storm. In between getting no sleep and drinking more coffee than I have in my entire life time, I managed to get into the biggest fight I've ever had with Hannah, bombed several finals, and complicated things even more with the fellas. After the thanksgiving episode I resolved to take break from boys for a while, more specifically one boy... which didn't last very long, and now I'm back where I started. But it would be great if it were as simple as that. because funny how the second I say "no boys" another cute boy comes along. So now there is the issue of casey. My fault entirely. He's called me like three times so far long distance. And like Kristen said, thats when you know they like you, when they call you long distance. Being honest with myself though, even if I wasn't involved with anyone, I wouldn't really want to go out with this kid. It's a shame. It reminds me of the whole Andrew situation. He is nice and all and there isn't really anything terribly wrong with him, but he just doesn't do it for me. This baffles me, cuz Russell does does what for me again? It still amazes me that I am so attracted to him.
So as it stands, when school starts again, I've got a lot of shit to iron out. I guess answers will come once I get back to school.
So lets not even mention grades... That is another story for another day when I have the emotional energy. D in organic chemistry might as well be a bullet through my heart. *sigh*
It's so hard to get into the spirit of the New year and celebrate new beginnings and all that when things are so messed up now. My life is a huge mess. Changing the direction that I walk in doesn't erase the footsteps that I've just made. But starting is always the hard part... the more I walk the farther away the missteps will be. So here's to the New year, and another trip around the sun...



Nappygirl Nappy at 1/01/2004 12:09:00 AM