Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Before I met you I wasn't terribly lucky
Every Prince Charming lost charm after twelve
But then you came and made the past look so funny
Put my old sadness to sleep on a shelf
If this was meant to be
Don't condemn me to be free
And even if we never marry
I will always love you, baby
Childishly'
Cause something
You've got something I can't resist
Things are what they will be
When I look into your eyes
They say to me that God's do exist
And there's something
You've got something I can't resist
Things are what they will be
When I look into your eyes
They say to me that God still exists
You make me believe
You make me believe

I love the temperature and smell of your body
The shape of your lips and the size of your nose
I love that everything you say is so funny
Plus you're the best kisser that I've ever known
You see the way I am
Without make-up, without clothes
And you accept me like nobody
And I will always love you, baby
With eyes closed'Cause something
You've got something I can't resist
Things are what they will be
When I look into your eyes
They say to me that God still exists
And there's something
You've got something I can't resist
Things are what they will be
When I look into your eyes
They say to me that God's do exist
You make me believe
You make me believe



Nappygirl Nappy at 1/18/2006 09:51:00 AM

Thursday, January 12, 2006

The scenery of my life shifted quite a bit in the past 6 months. Like falling asleep on a long road trip and waking to find elms and oak trees outside your window instead of palms... that uneasy feeling that you are far from home and everything familiar. I haven't had the luxury deciding whether or not I am okay with my new environment because I've been too busy being forced to navigate this crazy "adult" world. Many days I feel as the shore does, at the mercy of the surf, bracing my self for each crash with just enough time to catch my breath...
Well, maybe I'm beeing too melodramatic, but if I'm gonna learn to live with constant, unshakeable stress, I might as well be poetic about it.
I was actually starting to feel on top of things around October. I was adjusting to the physical, emotional, and administrative demands of work, my students were showing progress, things with Jacques were going really well, and my sister was on her way to visit. Then, from there, October was one big nightmare after another.
First, my principal gave me two days notice that I would be packing up the classroom I was finally happy with, and starting from scratch teaching 9th graders at the middle school nearby. This meant having two days to review new curriculum, make new lesson plans, and. I did the TFA thing to do... I bit the bullet and went with the flow, and struggled to regain control of a classful of 9th graders that for the first nine weeks of the year, had their way with a poor substitute teacher (learning absolutely nothing.) Those first few weeks with my new students were rough. Even now I still struggle through school days with them.

Mid-October, Diana came down from Spelman to spend her fall break with me. Visits with my sister are few and far between but we pack all we can into the time we get to spend together. It would be the first time seeing her in over a year. Both of our lives had changed so much since we last saw each other... I had graduated, and she was in her first semester at Spelman, and I was looking forward to bringing her to school with me and showing her my new apartment, and introducing her to Jacques.
But the day Diana arrived, the biggest nightmare of all happened... In the middle of the Dolphin Expressway, my car engine starts knocking and giving off billows of white smoke. I just about made it off the highway and at the end of the exit ramp when the car would go no further. So there we were, two girls stranded somewhere on NW 22nd Avenue in what looked like Liberty City at 11:30 at night with a car that wouldn't move.

It was a month and a half before I had a car again. That was such a low point for me, that I don't even want to recount what I went through. I will say that I am lucky to have the friends that I have, and that without them, I would have truly given up.

Back to Diana's visit... At some point I wanted Diana to meet my boyfriend, Jacques, although I didn't expect for it to happen as soon as her first night in Miami. But when the car broke down, Jacques came to the rescue. It was quite late by the time we got to my apartment, so he stayed over, which bothered Diana. At first she tried to be subtle about her disapproval of my relationship, but by the end of her stay, she was outright telling me that I needed to break up with him, and that I would continue to be punished by God if I didn't.

The thing is, when you fall in love, you are completely at its mercy. Anyone who has been in love knows. It would be easier to split an atom, than to untwine my soul from his at this point.
Lucky for gravity it is only a law. Laws can be broken. We have ways to get around gravity.
Love on the other hand, knows no laws. There is no defying this force that makes it impossible to remove my thougts from him, or wonder if its meant to be, because it just is. I dare anyone in love to just stop feeling it. Just stop. Its impossible. One day I will derive the mathematical proof and have my name in the physics books. For now, I am the willing prisoner of cruel sweet love.












Nappygirl Nappy at 1/12/2006 06:09:00 PM

Friday, October 07, 2005

For the first time in four years, I have a boyfriend. He is sweet and funny, incredibly intelligent, tall, mysterious, cultured, capable, perceptive, sexy, thoughtful, mature, charming, and he is all mine.
I was first captivated by the striking similarites we both share: we are both mixed (black and white), both biology fanatics, both children of hippies, both have ties to the caribbean, and both doing teach for america, which means he has a lot of the same values I have. He gives a crap about social injustice and wants to do something with his life to make things a little better. He teaches middle school science and I teach high school science.
At this moment, I can honestly say its been worth the wait.
*smiles*

Nappygirl Nappy at 10/07/2005 01:26:00 PM

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

From time to time I will have particularly vivid moments of clarity where I feel as though my field of vision quickly shifts like a camera zooming out from up above. Whereas before I could only see a few feet in front of me, I suddenly see the entire landscape; the before and after, the why and the because. When this happens, I am left reeling for a few moments from the force of being jerked so high so quickly with my stomach left on the ground behind me. But once the dizziness subsides, the excitement sets in.
I was asked once if, when I become a physician, would I treat a hardened criminal. It struck me as an absurd question. A life, as a unit, in my mind is completely detached from the deeds contained within. Besides, until interrupted, a life has unknown potential and value cannot be placed on it by examining only certain portions of it. That’s like having a handful of change and calling it 20 cents just because you had no patience to count all the coins. If you did, you’d realize you had a dollar. We come into this world literally gasping for breath and fighting to stay alive and spend the rest of it trying to stay on the right side of existing. Every species of life has one biological drive that governs all other biological drives, that is, simply to stay alive—survival. So how can we say that some lives are more “worthy” of others, and more entitled to existence than others? We all just want to live.
In this moment of clarity, no doubt catalyzed by “Mountains Beyond Mountains,” I defined my battle with poverty. As a physician, you treat an illness by attacking its source. Don’t patch the leak, turn off the water supply. An infection is caused by bacteria; kill the bacteria, and you get rid of the infection. What more challenging opponent is there than this deeply rooted, insidious malignity which causes nothing but absolute misery? It may make you and I rest easy to know that there are cures for the most deadly diseases, but what good is that to someone living with nothing. Even AIDS is no longer death sentence-- poverty surely is. I want to become a physician to treat poverty. This desire came over me so strongly that for a time today I was plagued by an all-consuming impatience. I want to do something about it now. A great deal of that impatience was also directed at my own self. I have lost sight somewhat of what’s real, what transcends the mini-dramas of young adult life. The poor are truly suffering, I am not. This also became clear to me today: my life is headed in the direction it’s headed, and I will be in two years where I am meant to be, there are things that I must and will do, and I cannot shift my focus or worry about whether or not some boy likes me. I have given too much of my attention and channeled too much concern into such a transient cause, one that has no bearing on the grand scheme of things. My field of vision is shifting away from this now and onto more pressing things. I decided I will spend this summer serving the poor. I’m not worried about the details; the when and how will come later. Like many things in my life, once the desire is placed in me, all I have to do is simply obey it. The time will come for this desire to be fulfilled. It leads me, I just follow.
If doctors became doctors to treat the righteous and blameless, perhaps maybe the poor would then have a fighting chance. Maybe it’s not such a bad idea after all.


Nappygirl Nappy at 9/27/2005 11:14:00 PM

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

listening to:

Things are great.

I found out got a job teaching high school biology for the next two years in Miami, and after being reminded of a few things that I deep down knew all along, I have a fresh outlook on my life and the things ahead. The coulds are gone. *smiles*
The things ahead... my mind is always on the future instead of concentrating on the last few projects and papers that hold my freedom for ransom. I'd rather daydream about linen shopping. For now I can live vicariously through Kristen and Ryan, who just got a car and an apartment, which we will be painting this weekend. The apartment, not the car...unless Kristen fancies purple polka dots.
Next weekend my mom and Jazzy arrive for my graduation and they'll be taking me home with them to St. Croix. I'll spend the rest of the summer training in Houston and setting up an apartment in Miami, getting a car (a real one this time!) and getting ready for the first day of school in August.
Somehow I also have to fit in study time for the MCAT which I have ambitious plans to take in August. Medical school is not out of the picture, in fact, this Teach for America thing might even help out. Even though I'll be two years "behind", and be middle aged when I get out of school, I still want to be a doctor, no matter what.

And by the way, its probably not a good idea to harrass and torment someone for years, break into their email account, create slanderous websites, betray deep trust, say horrible and hurtful things, cause more pain to someone than anyone else ever has, and expect them to be happy to hear from you once you realize you fucked up. It usually doesn't work that way. When you are evil, sick, and twisted, things don't usually work out in your favor, its just one of those little life lessons.

the end.

Nappygirl Nappy at 4/27/2005 01:08:00 AM